I never had a cat as a child. My mother is allergic, and I suspect she never really liked cats too much. We had dogs, hamsters, fish, lizards and mice. Just no cats. The first cat I owned really didn’t belong to me. Dodger decided he belonged to Artist Daughter and the rest of us were part of the package he tolerated. From Dodger I discovered cats’ keen intelligence and their wry sense of humor. Thus began a love affair that continued with Fresca, Harold, Mama Juno, Mister Kit T. Smith, Gizmo, Guinevere, Aaron Sprinkle, Ben G. Gibbard and a six-pack of kittens.
Even though I love cats, I am convinced they have a hidden agenda. They want to take over the world. How do I know? Here are 12 ways:
- Use scratching posts to fill their claws with nanobots, then inject them into humans while they are sweetly ‘kneading’ their owners to compel them to cater to cats’ every whim.
- Know those socks you think your dryer is eating? Cats are slowly stockpiling socks to create giant sockballs to pummel unsuspecting humans.
- LOLCats is actually a secret spy training network.
- Cats communicate telepathically. Ever see them pretending to sleep with their eyes almost closed? Yeah.
- Caught yourself drooling and staring off into space while kitty meows away? A cat’s meow is set at just the right decibel level to disconnect human brain activity.
- Cats are practicing on mice and birds until they can place an attack cat in every home.
- Burying poop is just the beginning. They’re building up their front leg muscles to bury bodies.
- Whiskers are actually radio antennae.
- They climb a tree and wait to get rescued to gather data on the percentage of stupid people who will climb up to rescue them.
- Purring actually produces the energy to slowly burn a hole in the space-time continuum.
- Paw pads let them sneak up on you and smother you with a pillow while you’re sleeping. Ever wake up with your cat in your face? Practice.
- Melt your heart with their fuzzy cuteness. The deadliest superpower they possess.