Memoir

Tales of the Weird: 12 Ways Cats Might Take Over The World


the original heart stealer: Dodger (who loved to be pushed in the doll stroller)

I never had a cat as a child. My mother is allergic, and I suspect she never really liked cats too much. We had dogs, hamsters, fish, lizards and mice. Just no cats. The first cat I owned really didn’t belong to me. Dodger decided he belonged to Artist Daughter and the rest of us were part of the package he tolerated. From Dodger I discovered cats’ keen intelligence and their wry sense of humor. Thus began a love affair that continued with Fresca, Harold, Mama Juno, Mister Kit T. Smith, Gizmo, Guinevere, Aaron Sprinkle, Ben G. Gibbard and a six-pack of kittens.

rescue kitten Alyosha (Artist Daughter named him, of course)

Even though I love cats, I am convinced they have a hidden agenda. They want to take over the world. How do I know? Here are 12 ways:

  1. Use scratching posts to fill their claws with nanobots, then inject them into humans while they are sweetly ‘kneading’ their owners to compel them to cater to cats’ every whim.
  2. Know those socks you think your dryer is eating? Cats are slowly stockpiling socks to create giant sockballs to pummel unsuspecting humans.
  3. LOLCats is actually a secret spy training network.
  4. Cats communicate telepathically. Ever see them pretending to sleep with their eyes almost closed? Yeah.
  5. Caught yourself drooling and staring off into space while kitty meows away? A cat’s meow is set at just the right decibel level to disconnect human brain activity.
  6. Cats are practicing on mice and birds until they can place an attack cat in every home.
  7. Burying poop is just the beginning. They’re building up their front leg muscles to bury bodies.
  8. Whiskers are actually radio antennae.
  9. They climb a tree and wait to get rescued to gather data on the percentage of stupid people who will climb up to rescue them.
  10. Purring actually produces the energy to slowly burn a hole in the space-time continuum.
  11. Paw pads let them sneak up on you and smother you with a pillow while you’re sleeping. Ever wake up with your cat in your face? Practice.
  12. Melt your heart with their fuzzy cuteness. The deadliest superpower they possess.

Danger! Fuzzy cuteness alert!

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Question: Are you a pet person? Dog or cat?

12 replies »

  1. I’ve been waiting a long time for the straight-scoop on cats. (Yes, I know. That sentence brings puns to my mind, too. But I’m just going to ignore them until they go away.) I’m so glad that someone has finally had the courage to speak aloud about cats plans to master the world. Don’t say you weren’t forewarned, folks.

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  2. I am totally and completely a cat person. My cat has the upper hand in just about everything. I don’t think I could live with a kitten because the fuzzy cuteness would kill me. When I teach and write about boundaries, I almost always end up giving examples of how I lose my boundaries with my cat. Perhaps the felines are going to take over the world. They’ve already taken over me.

    Judy Stone-Goldman
    The Reflective Writer
    http://www.thereflectiewriter.com
    Personal-Professional Balance Through Writing

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  3. My cats have already taken over my world. Good luck escaping feline charms. PS Regardless of the number of cats I have, I’m always one cat away from being ‘that crazy cat lady’

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  4. I’ve been a cat person all my life. I love dogs too, but not quite as much as cats. I discovered early on that I would never own cats–no one owns cats. Cats are the owners and their humans belong to them. And I’m pretty sure they aren’t plotting to take over the world. They already have.

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  5. Judy, Valerie and Diana, I loved all of your responses. I, too, adore cats. Always have. And I’ve never minded being owned by one (or two or three). It’s quite an honor, you know. Ask any cat.
    Jackie

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    • I think it’s unanimous – cats are ruling the world! 🙂 Keeper Hubby and I just got back from the animal shelter this afternoon. We think we might be ready to be ‘owned’ again by a cat that is in need of obedient humans. So many to choose from, I wanted to bring them all home. But Keeper Hubby has to keep me check or I’d be one of ‘crazy cat ladies’ Valerie mentioned. Just don’t tell the cats we know their plan, who knows what might happen… 😉

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  6. I’m neither, but my late wife was an animal lover and we had all kinds of then for more than 3 decades. However, cats & dogs seem to sense that I’m not so much an animal person and come to me, even in a crowd of people they will pick me out. What kind of vibe or scent must I be sending to deserve such treatment? Who knows. Meow meow, woff woff.

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    • Animals do the same thing to Keeper Hubby and he gets so annoyed. I think they are like animal evangelists trying to convert the unbelievers by softening their hearts. Keeper Hubby and Musician Daughter’s dog used to have staring contests, his ‘mangey mutt’ eyes versus her ‘love me!’ eyes. It was a great source of entertainment.

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  7. Too cute and very true! LOL My cat has been just sitting and watching me now for days. I’m scared about what she’s planning.

    Last night scenario:
    Me: Sammie do not knock over that buttermilk
    Samantha: Meeoowwww!!!
    Me: Samantha leave the glass alone. Do NOT knock over the buttermilk.
    Samantha:
    Me: Don’t you swish your tail at me.
    Samantha:
    Me: Samantha Nicole don’t swish that tail at me and leave the buttermilk alone!
    Samantha:

    I’m still alive so I’m assuming she wasn’t plotting my death last night. But, you never know. LOL

    Gosh I love that cat! 🙂

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  8. I want them to take over the world he he it seems fun and ill ask to be a cat 😀 I hope they do it soon plus i am allergic to them but i want be soon and we can ask them scientist have made an invention soon maybe

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